My Crazy Ex - [Nightmare Blind Date (part 2)]

The revelation took me by surprise and I exploded like a nuclear bomb. You!!! What sort of madness is this? Are you crazy? Do you think this is funny?

"Abeg abeg abeg abeg, meh shonu, shut up that your dirty mouth before I slap it for you, idiot, you think say you wise abi, you're waiting for Monica, Monica ko, Mountain Dew ni"

Ehn, Bimbo, you will slap who, dem no born you well, I yelled back. I was so angry and disappointed that this crazy girl still won't leave me be. We broke up over a year ago and she has been a torn in my flesh ever since. Stalking, prank calls, and nauseating text messages are things I occasionally get from her, she even threatened to appear in my room while I slept and cut my balls off. One time she came to my house and knocked on the door pretending to be a delivery guy and as soon as I opened up, she slammed a cake in my face which contributed to me changing my environment. She must have created the fake account and sent the friend request, she knew I was going to fall for it, mumu me, I ignored all the red flags because of breast, I was such an idiot, but this girl is evil ooo, abi what kind of wahala is this bayi? Who would go to such length to do such evil?.

"Babe make I fuck this guy up, make I mess him up". 

Her friend's deep voice snapped me out of my thoughts, she sounded like Patrick from Sponge Bob.

"Your father!!! Fuck who up? Wallahi, I go beat you press, na hospital straight from here, I swear to God" I said with so much surety.

Bimbo moved closer to me and pushed her chest out as if to intimidate me, "Ehn ehn, you don turn woman beater abi? You wan beat woman, oya beat am make I see, try am" she barked at me.

Who be woman? This one no be woman naw, this one na man in disguise, you no hear as the voice be? The jeer struck a nerve and her friend flared up, "your father, your real father", she screamed at me. I laughed so hard because I just landed a punch and it felt really good. I must say, I do have my ways with words. Then I noticed some of the diners and the waiters laughed too. That was when I remembered we were in a public place and that people were staring at us. Damn, I hated the attention and as I was looking for a way to escape the mess, Bimbo grabbed the bottle of champagne and started pulling the cork, "You better put that down now" I yelled. I attempted to rush at her but her friend jumped at me and grabbed me by the waist, she must have been on a diet of rocks and cement because she was so strong that I couldn't break free from her grip.

Bimbo looked me dead in the eye, and with an evil smirk on her face, she popped the champagne. The sound gave me a sharp pain in my chest and I screamed "Yeh!!!".

I broke free from her friend's grip, grabbed Bimbo, and shook her Vehemently. "Are you mad, are you mad?" I screamed like a maniac, at this point I didn't mind breaking the table and spilling the food, I was foaming in the mouth.

Then with a tiny voice, Bimbo said, "wait, wait, wait, wait, look over there" She pointed out the window and I looked and saw a girl outside with a phone, recording the whole scene, then the girl laughed and showed me the middle finger. I released my grip, my anger left me and I immediately felt weak. You better sit down and let's eat this food in peace or else I will ask her to send the evidence to your girlfriend. Do you want to try me? Bimbo said with so much joy.

It was her friend's turn to laugh and she did to the fullest, she laughed like the joker's girlfriend but deeper. I wasn't paying too much attention to her, I was instead focused on the girl outside with the camera. I put my hands on my head and I was like, "Ah Bimbo, se won sekpe fun e ni? Did someone place a curse on you? Why are you tormenting my life like this, ehn?" My friend shut up and let's eat joor, oniranu.

She then smiled and said in a very gentle way, "But baby it's been so long you took me out and I've missed those days". Then she reached out to pull my beards, I moved back and slapped her hands away, "My friend get your dirty hand away from me", I said with some much pain in my voice that I felt like I was going to cry. This girl is out to destroy me, I mean there's no guarantee she'll delete the pictures and video after the meal, I smell blackmail coming I just lost this battle and I'm definitely fucked.

She and her friend lunged at the food and began eating everything in sight, her friend, in particular, ate like a beast and chewed so loud. She mixed seafood with rice, squeezed the bottle of ketchup in her mouth, and poured wine into the salad. They tried so hard to irritate me and it worked, I lost my appetite and all I could do was just stare, plus I wasn't going to eat with them anyway.

Bimbo, why are you doing this to me? Okay, Sebi you've got what you wanted, please tell your friend to delete the pictures abeg. Why have you kept tormenting me like this? You broke my heart naw, why are you playing the victim? Ehn Bimbo?

She looked at me and I could see resentment in her eyes, or maybe I was just tripping, I don't know but I know I was on edge. "Tobi, I apologized and I told you I wanted to get back with you, but you said no, you rejected me and I was heartbroken because of it, now look what you turned me into, you look at me like I'm some monster, was I like this when we were together? Well, it's your fault I'm this way so you have to deal with it." 

Bimbo no offense but you were exactly like this when we were together, your ass was crazy from day one, I don't even know how I fell in love with you in the first place, listen to what you're saying, listen to the okoto, th- th- the- the rubbish you're spewing anyhow, you left me for my neighbor, I was single for over a year, I finally found love again and after all you did to me, you still had the guts to try to walk back into my life and demand I took you back? What kind of sick thing is that? I told you I'm already with someone else, I can't double date, I told you already naw.

Bimbo laughed and gave me the stink eye, Ehn ehn, you don't want to double date? So what are you doing here meeting with Cynthia? 

"Bimbo it's Monica, not Cynthia" her friend corrected her. 

"My God, you don't even remember your own fake name, chai how did I fall for this? I fucked up men" I lamented. 

Bimbo shrugged and goes, "Well, anyways leave story, buy food for my girl outside make she no go vex send the pictures ooo, then call Uber for us and the pictures will be deleted.

"Okay, but how am I sure you won't blackmail me with those pictures? How am I sure you'll delete them for real?" 

Well you don't, you just have to trust me," she said. Just as I was considering my options, I noticed someone waving at me from the entrance, I looked up and it was my friend Segun, he dragged his hand down his chest as if to tell me to calm down, then he pointed towards the girl with the camera and then gave me a thumbs up. Bimbo and her friend were busy biting at the chicken and feeding each other that they didn't notice what was going on. Segun stepped out of the restaurant and charged full speed at the girl with the camera from a blind spot, he wrestled her to the ground, snatched the phone, and then took off. It was her scream that got the attention of Bimbo and her friend, and they jumped up, "What did you do?" Bimbo screamed. I looked at them and laughed like an evil scientist who was about to take over the world, I felt relieved, then I noticed I had been sweating inside AC, chai, wahala dey ooo. 

I got up, picked a plate of salad, and slammed it into Bimbo's face and her scream was music to my ears. Her friend attempted to run, but I pulled her back with her braids, grabbed the bottle of ketchup, and squeezed the whole content on her face then I ran out of the restaurant like I was being chased by dogs. I jumped on a bike and yelled at the rider, "Go go go go go". Bimbo and her friend chased after the bike but gave up just as they started, "Fuck you bitches!!! I yelled like I won a lottery. 

I got home and locked the door, she doesn't know my new house anyway so I felt quite safe. I showered and went straight to bed, I lost a great deal of money but at least I didn't lose my relationship. My friend came to my house the following day, we wiped the phone clean and we sold it to make up for the money I spent. I didn't get all my money back but in the end, I was happy I didn't lose more than that, but one thing is certain, I'll surely get my revenge. 

THE END.

WRITTEN BY EMMANUEL OSINAYA [TEO]