My Crazy Ex [Nightmare Blind Date. part 1]

Ok, guys, I want to share a story with y'all.

This happened a few weeks ago, and my heart is set on revenge. In life, always pray to never jam agbako because my dear people, things dey occur.

So, it was Facebook again, yeah I think I need to stay off that app because it's bad for me. I was scrolling through the timeline looking out for fine girls as usual. I never really check my notifications because they're always filled with group invites and meaningless tags and shit, but on this very day I decided to accept some friend requests, and Voilà, there was this stunningly gorgeous lady who wanted to be my friend. She looked like one of those top models you see on the front page of magazines and man, her boobs were huge.

I thought she looked like Kim Kardashian. Her Facebook name was 'Sexy cutie dimple', but she told me her real name was Monica.

It sounded like a made-up name, but hey, who cares? It's Facebook and we all use made-up names. I almost doubted if she was real, almost, but you know what they say, "if it's too good to be true, just go with the flow", I guess. So, as a sharp guy I accepted the request, went straight into the DM and the rest was history.

We chat every day and we had lots of nasty conversations, I mean really nasty ones. She was hooked on my punchlines and I felt like Mick Jagger. One time I was in my feelings and then I was like, "babe you're so hot, my zipper is falling for you". She laughed so hard and goes, "Oh baby you're driving me crazy". The compliment inflated my ego and I puffed right up. If you wanted to kill yourself you could literally jump off my ego and you'll surely fall to your death, that's how high it was.

I know you're thinking, aren't we going to hook up? Yeah, well, we agreed to go on a date and I picked a restaurant, an expensive one because I didn't want her to see me as cheap.

Oh, did I mention she wouldn't make video calls? Yeah, she insisted the date should be our first face-to-face, to keep the excitement up. Well, that's not weird at all, it kind of works for me so I came up with a plan. I'll wear shades and pick a corner in the restaurant, if she walked in looking like the evil queen from Snow White, I'm taking the back door.

Everything was going according to plan and two days to our date she was like, "babe I have one condition for this date to work out, you have to order the food and drinks you can afford and then send me a picture of the receipt via WhatsApp, then I'll join you. I've had terrible experiences with guys on two separate occasions, we met at a restaurant, ordered food and drinks only for them to bail under the pretense of going to the bathroom. The first one blocked me without giving a reason, and the second guy said I appeared to have had an expensive taste and the pressure made him order more than he could afford, and when he couldn’t pay, he bailed. I had to pay on both occasions so please order what you can afford, send me the receipt and I'll join you".

It felt kind of weird because I've never really done that before, but hey, it's just food and it's not like she asked me to send money or anything, so it's not really a big deal, plus I be big boy naw, so why not? I thought.

Every time I was about to use common sense I hear a voice saying, "the boobs, man, remember the boobs" then I just smile. What can I say, I'm a boobs guy, last last something must kill a man.

The day came and I got to the restaurant determined to impress so I ordered lots of expensive food, which included grills, fries, jollof rice, fried rice, some seafood, some spicy food, some drinks, and some stuff on the menu that I couldn't even pronounce. I remembered my date told me she does not drink alcohol, so I made a deal with the waiter, I would tip him if he could bring a bottle of champagne to my table. I won't open it, I'll return it when the date was over, you know, show off levels naw.

Everything was set, I took a picture of the receipt and sent it to her. I had spent about 103k but I told myself the end will definitely justify the means. I imagined what us being intimate in the other room would look like, it'll be glorious, then I smiled like an evil mastermind. You may think me a pervert but don't judge me, you're no saint either, plus the champagne alone was 45k which I wasn't going to pop, so technically my bill was 58k. I sat in the corner, eyes fixed on the main entrance and I counted all customers as they walked into the restaurant while I waited for Monica.

After about 30 minutes, two sexy figures entered and walked towards me, they each had a face mask on so I couldn't make out their faces. There's a pandemic so I get the reason for the masks, and with their shape and the way they walked, they had to be beautiful, I thought. They came to my table, we exchanged greetings, and with so much excitement I asked, "So which one of you ladies is Monica?" There was an awkward silence for about 10 secs which felt like 10hrs, and out of nowhere, they started laughing. At first, it was mild, then it grew louder, and then they were falling into each other as they laughed.

I felt my blood getting cold within my veins, "What the hell is going on, is this some kind of joke or what?" And like fire meet gasoline, my question ignited their laughter, they looked at each other and then laughed even louder which got the attention of other people in the restaurant. I was embarrassed and for once I wished I could just disappear. I felt helpless, and all I could do was stare. Then after about what felt like an eternity, they pulled down their face masks at the same time and yelled, "Suprise!!!!!!!"

The revelation changed the whole story and I went from 'this was a mistake to, Jesuuuu omo Maria!!!!' What the hell is this? Bimbo!!! Are you mad?

To be continued...

WRITTEN BY EMMANUEL OSINAYA [TEO]